Photo: Scott Rowley Location: Mt Adams, Washington
I am long overdue in posting this. Better late then never!
What a road I have started to travel. Never in my wildest dreams did I think 30 days of sobriety would come and go so fast. As I write this I am 49 days clean and could not be more content with where my life is, where it is going and surprisingly where it has been.
Through sobriety I have been blessed with the opportunity to truly experience what it means to be emotional. Yes guys really do have emotions! Mine have been in a bottle for years and only at times would that bottle explode. Today, I have people to share those emotions with. People who care to listen and truly love me for me.
My sponsor Bobby Lindstrom has kindly guided me through days in which I felt empty, laughed with me during the happy times and truly understands my addict state of mind.
I certainly feel the love from my family, friends and co workers through this ongoing process and for that I am forever thankful.
I have worked the first three steps of the NA program, started training for marathons again and realized many things about myself that I never ever knew existed.
Step 1 - We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction that our lives had become unmanageable.
I came to realize my life had become unmanageable while sitting on a lonely mountainside on 5/11/13 near South Sister in Central Oregon. Here is the story of my South Sister, Oregon Epiphany.
Step 2 - We came to believe in a power greater than ourselves that could help restore us to sanity.
Early in my recovery I made a conscience decision to live in the woods for several months. This decision has truly been a blessing and continues to be therapeutic in my daily life.
Step 3 - We turned our will and out lives over to the care of the god of our understanding.
The “natural world” helped drive me to recovery and living a life of sobriety. Without my higher power I would continue living in a world that I think I can control. This kind of living is stressful, frustrating and absolutely undesirable.
I have committed myself to recovery and a better way of life. Turning my will and life over to the care of my higher power has become central to me continuing on this journey. As a result, I have started to fill an otherwise empty void. I feel in touch with myself, the world and nature whom represents a power far greater than I.
I have chosen to turn my will and life over to the care of my higher power and practice the ritual of talking to it multiple times per day. This daily practice continues to strengthen my connection. By talking with my higher power I feel a peace that helps me flow through my sleep at night and tasks during the day. This has resulted in living much of my life in the present moment. “One of the greatest gift we can give ourselves is the present.”
I do feel my higher powers care when no one else is there. The feelings and higher level of thought process I get from my higher power are amazing. Some moments are happy and others sad. The most amazing thing is that I actually feel. “One of the happiest moments is when you feel the courage to let go of what you cannot change.”
I have internalized this decision by involving my heart and spirit. I feel! And, who feels it knows it. Each day I am living less and less on my self-will and more on a will driven by my higher power. Previously, making decisions on my own will created a dark world that no one wanted to be a part of. Not my gf, best friends, family. No one!
Overall, my higher power is helping me align all of my goals in such a way that they do not hurt anyone including myself. I am no longer just thinking about Scott. I am working to happily intertwine everyone’s feelings in my thought process. This is made possible by living the scout oath and law in my daily life, talking with my higher power and strengthening the foundation of the first three steps of the NA program.
So long as I continue working my program and talking to my higher power I will stay clean and continue creating an amazing new way of life.
In the past I had no reason to stay clean. I would try, try again, but always fail. I had no structure, beliefs or feelings that there was a reason to not use. I know that the future will present situations in which I am vulnerable to using, but so long as I have my higher power and a program I will not go back to using.
Each moment I have started to think about controlling a situation I have stepped back and talked with my higher power. Asking - Is this really the right way to react and respond in this very moment? Often times this process results in a different outcome than if I was to act on my own self-will. I do not always see results right away, but in time great things happen. Patience truly is the gift that keeps on giving!
My higher power has helped create a way of that life is drastically different than the one I was living pre 5/11/13. Today, I trust my higher power and myself more than ever before. There is no situation too wonderful or horrible that I cannot manage. My doubts have started to fade and outlook on life is filled with hope, faith, trust and optimism that I have never internalized in this way before. More and more I find myself looking at the positive components of a situation, person, place or thing and acting on those I have been able to start constructive interactions instead of destructive ones. At the end of the day this makes me and others happier, healthier and wealthier.
Higher Power - “Take my will and my life, guide me in my recovery and show me how to live.”
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